Sometimes ideas and plans can impact on children in ways that parents didn’t expect and don’t want, so asking yourselves questions like these may help…
· Do we want to ask any older children for their opinions?
(Most of the children who contact help-lines and online counselling about family breakdown, say they wish that their parents would talk with them and ask them about the arrangements that directly affect their lives)
· What might each arrangement be like for each child?
· What might be positive or work well for him/her?
· What might be particularly difficult for him/her?
· How could we help him/her manage these difficulties? OR
· How can we adjust the plan to better suit his/her needs?
· How will we respond if our children refuse to co-operate with any aspect of what we’ve decided?
· How will we talk about it and what can we agree to do if some aspect of our parenting plan is really not working for our children?
What else might we think about when making a parenting plan?
Here are some other issues you may like to consider…
· We recognise that as our children grow older and their needs change, arrangements that have been made for them will probably also need to change. My circumstances and the other parent’s circumstances will also change over time. How often will we review the parenting plan? How will we re-negotiate?
· How will we talk about the unexpected? Not everything in daily life can be planned for. How flexible are we each willing to be regarding the children’s activities? If an invitation or urgent need comes up that means the usual arrangements might need to be changed – can we agree on how to approach each other to discuss the options?
· How will I communicate with the other parent about our children’s issues? eg by telephone, e-mail or letter? (You may also want to specify any ways you might not wish to be contacted)
· If there are more than two people sharing parental responsibility, how will each of us communicate with the others? Might we need to plan to ask someone to help us all talk together in specific circumstances? How much say do we think our children should have in these decisions?
· Will we include agreed guidelines about some household rules children need to follow during the time spent with each of us? (eg TV or computer use, nutrition, bedtimes.) Do I recognise that the other parent will parent differently to me and I may need to let go of some control over my children’s daily life when they are with the other parent?
· How will we manage items and needs that might carry over from one household to the other eg medicines, appointments, school projects
· Any other issues we think are important?
Note: A time when plans can come unstuck is when one or both of the parents find a new partner. It is often a very emotional time and you may not think clearly then. Is there anything you can agree on in advance about how you can keep the focus on your children’s best interests whilst making arrangements, if either of you re-partner?
It will help you to avoid arguments, and deal with differences in remembering what was said, if you write down the agreements you’ve come to as part of your parenting plan.